what's on your mind, kid?
by NickyFox13
Summary: Short musings on Jess Mariano's unexplored time in LA, and how he managed to develop in the man he is when he returns.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm a Los Angeles native and I became super intrigued with the idea that Jess was in LA for an extended amount of time. In this, I try to get into Jess' mind regarding his time in LA that went unexplained in canon. Updates will be whenever inspiration hits, which means said updates will be sporadic.**

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If Jess Mariano was good at anything, he was the best at making himself disappear. His stealth made him easily able to sneak through places people's eyes overlooked. Flexibility and creativity were traits that helped him in the long run; emotionally, he needed work because no one had the decency to teach him healthy coping mechanisms (after all, falling through the cracks and not dealing with his problems head on was much more convenient). He was lean and coordinated and able to sift through rock bottom with disgustingly comfortable ease.

Stars Hollow shined a spotlight on him Jess didn't expect and didn't ultimately want. Being the center of attention wasn't his strong suit. Their judgment hit Jess like a ton of bricks. When he struggled with the weight of those ton of bricks on his wiry shoulders, Stars Hollow as a whole pegged him as a loser, a failure, and other negative traits that Jess refused to believe applied to him.

Maybe his mother's shadow, the same one he avoided trying to step in most of his life in fear of walking down the same path, would always find a way to haunt him. She was all of those things Stars Hollow accused Jess of being: moody, flighty, irresponsible, a loser, a freak...

She was the one who dumped him in an unknown town without much explanation and erased herself from any records holding herself accountable for her actions.

Maybe Jesse needed to actually follow in her footsteps for once. He needed out of this town that smothered him, that choked him, and kept him afraid. He needed to grow up. Maybe abandonment of the responsibilities that overwhelmed him and expectations he'd never fulfill was the only way to transform himself into something more, something better. Jess could only hope.


	2. Chapter 2

Quitting his job, selling just about everything he owned, keeping nothing but the clothes on his back, his rickety but reliable car car, and a large duffle bag or two of the bare necessities was an overlooked difficulty of erasing one's past to start with a blank slate.

As Jess bought his one way ticket to Los Angeles, he thought of why people romanticized lack of stability in the form of being a glorified misinterpreted and misunderstood bohemian nomad artist. Mostly, he wondered why people placed this lifestyle on such a high pedestal. To create was to suffer. To start anew was to work hard, to attach oneself to something long enough to get good at it. Success was a beast Jess wasn't sure how to tackle.

Maybe he'd get a chance to breathe the same air as success, to take a look at it without gaping in fear or anxiety or disbelief. Maybe Jess would even become successful himself. That was a spectacularly grandiose dream: success. He wanted to work toward something. That was better than nothing. Ambition with motivation was foreign to Jess, but he wished to become familiar with this state of being. Success was concrete. Better than hope: that was such an abstract concept.


	3. Chapter 3

Flying on a metal contraption in the air at a speed only God-knew how fast made Jess' head spin. Technological advances freaked Jess out, even though he was of the generation, an adaptable one at that, who experienced the most change in tech. Planes were a luxury Jess appreciated, but probably took for granted. Some quick advances in the near future could very well render planes useless; he might as well utilize them while they were still in frequent use.

He was graced with an aisle seat after the hell of boarding the plane. People with a purpose, with a place to go, without the proper manners to deal with a crowd of equally impatient, frazzled, exhausted people were the worst to deal with. He had to learn this the hard way, as he battled his way through the enormous, exceptionally clean airport.

Jess kept his eyes focused on the windows of the plane. The view of the horizon above clouds kept him feeling serene and unmotivated to eviscerate the annoying, smelly man sleeping next to him, snoring loud enough to cause an earthquake. It didn't help that this man's taste in music sounded utterly atrocious. The low sounds of murmuring passengers filled Jess' ears, sounding like his very own orchestra of real-time white noise.

May God or whatever deity that ruled over planes bless Jess Mariano.


	4. Chapter 4

LAX was a meticulously planned shithole, Jess realized in horror as he gazed upon the aiport when he landed. The groups of people, like herds of brainwashed and angry animals, made enough noise to make Jess' ears ring. They took up enough space to make Jess feel trapped, caged, claustrophobic even. He wasn't sure how he'd ever survive this place, if he did even survive at all.

"The exit to this never ending labyrinth has to be _somewhere_ ," Jess whined aloud, aimlessly wandering around the airport like a lost puppy. He didn't need to go to bag check, miraculously, because all of his belongings were minimal and not very heavy. That was a blessing.

His life would officially begin if only he could leave this God forsaken place.


	5. Chapter 5

Jess thanked all of the pedestrians who guided him to the Rapid Three Big Blue Bus straight to Venice; he thanked them profusely enough to embarrass himself and strangers listening in on his questioning. Desperation had caused him to elude modesty and calm.

This simple bus ride would catapult him into the beginning of Jess' life as a vaguely attractive, super grungy starving artist. The idea of public transportation, a thing that didn't exist in Stars Hollow (a town that seemed too cramped and smothering to even consider anything more than a small car as a convenient way to get around), but did in the mythically beautiful east coast (in bigger cities, of course) saved Jess' wallet from pure decimation.

He had a small net of money from when he worked at Wal-Mart. It was probably a smart move to assume it wouldn't last too long if he spent it too wildly. He figured he'd had enough for some food for a few weeks at most and a cheap, over crowded, crumbling apartment with too many roommates and not enough privacy. That actually sounded nice, if Jess thought about it. A roof over his head, with a guaranteed social group, and a potential to get a job that allowed him to write...The scenario became a little romanticized, if Jess thought about it too long.

But having a less than stellar place to live was better than nothing.

He figured it would be a smart move to start looking for a place as soon as he got off the bus.


	6. Chapter 6

Jess was homeless but he was determined not to be homesick for Stars Hollow. He realized in equal parts horror and regretful nostalgia that it was the closest he ever had to stability.

Uncle Luke, whose name didn't flow with the kind title of familial intimacy, didn't ask much but he gave Jess plenty. There was a tinge of regret in not being more grateful, but the past was the past for a reason. He was gruff and no nonsense, which Jess appreciated upon looking back. Luke cared even if he was too awkward to express it.

Luke was infinitely more of a parental figure than Mom ever hoped to be. Jess briefly wondered if she even deserved the title. She left a bad taste in his mouth. Jess let the resentment flow through him; knowing that she abandoned him because she was inconvenienced by Jess left him speechless with strong emotion.

He swallowed his pride; anger would not benefit him in his house hunting. The nest egg from working at WalMart would only take him so far. Jess would first look for a shelter to keep a roof over his head for a few nights while he got his act together. For now, he'd find the nearest gym to wash off because he looked and felt pretty grungy.

If life was looking up, Jess couldn't tell. Life felt like a huge joke right now, and Jess was the punchline.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I take requests! Send me your ideas and I will write them.**

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The sun had set, marking Jess' first foray into night time in the fabled Los Angeles. The thriving night life would ultimately be a point in Jess' favor, as he still had no place to sleep. The task of finding somewhere to live, temporary or not, seemed too daunting. Something akin to fear set upon him with the realization that Jess carried most of his entire life within a huge duffel bag and a backpack. He shivered as he realized that he was, yet again, an outcast in a new city. It was Stars Hollow all over again…

...except in Los Angeles, it was his burden and his fault for choosing the hard way out. In the past, running away was a simple process. All it meant was going to a friend's house for an hour or two to cool down, only to return home as if nothing happened, where the cycle repeated endlessly until Jess was shoved out of his Mom's life into the hands of a gruff uncle.

Tears threatened to fall from Jess' eyes, but then he remembered that crying in the middle of the street about his angsty past wasn't acceptable as it was as a hormonal, melodramatic preteen. He was old enough now to know better, even if he was barely older than he was when he cried randomly in public.

A club sounded nice right about now. It was a place where a guy like him - attractive, alone, and without a ton of money, or standards - could lay low for a few hours without question.

The mindset made little sense to him, but the shining gem of logic that stood out was shockingly simple: a club was also a place where a person could forget his problems. It was still early in the evening, and most clubs wouldn't open for another few hours at the earliest. However, Jess looked high and low, in every nook and cranny, and he found one.

He was either going to deeply regret tonight a whole lot, or not at all.


	8. Chapter 8

Jess didn't like dealing much with conflicting feelings for they were too much work to maintain, especially in a club where blaring music intruded on those thoughts, fragmenting them beyond recognition. This was a strange train of thought for him, and he acknowledged the inherent contradiction. He's got a brooding, mysterious, aloof bad-boy reputation to maintain and uphold. Jess, as a bad boy, was supposed to be more intuitive, more perceptive, more of everything that could hide the emotionally stunted side of him.

Jess' mind reeled with the implications of these thoughts: after all, who was he if not an overly analytical, self-deprecating jackass?

A girl approached him, and Jess nearly jumped out of his skin. Her blue eyes looked bioluminescent with the colorful fairy lights illuminating the darkness of the dimly lit dance floor. The flashing strobe lights radiated around her brown hair like a halo. Jess could be dreaming right now and he wouldn't have minded.

"Hey," he said, because her stony stare intimidated Jess. They danced, and Jess was less full of regrets as he left his entire life to ruminate in a booth.

Maybe he wouldn't be full of regrets all night after all.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: An OC is important for this arc, fyi. Any requests for situations you want to see written accepted!**

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The universe had a strange sense of humor. Jess could appreciate that, on some level, but this morning was not the day in which to enact that sort of thing. He awoke in a bed that wasn't his, in a room that was decorated with blinding color and too many posters. It was confusing, really, but not at all considering where he was at last night.

The fact that he had a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in was such a marvel that he forgot that he was in a strange place for a glorious moment. One night stands were probably more than just mindless intercourse to get his mind off of angst.

"You're awake," a voice, one with a sarcastic tinge that sounded decidedly feminine, said.

"It looks as if I am. Call Ripley's Believe It Or Not," Jess responded.

"I suppose I should tell you who I am," she said, a wry smile spreading across her face.

"That would be a good idea," Jess wasn't sure what to expect from an unnamed girl, but he hoped for the best with the mysterious yet excited way she carried herself.

"I can get you a place to live out here…"

Maybe he should partake in one night stands more often, if it led to such things like this.

"Oh?" He asked with a rise of his eyebrow. "Am I to believe you, oh perplexing one?" Jess asked in an attempt to bring humor to the table.

"You mentioned last night on the ride to my place needing a permanent place to live, and I know a guy who knows a guy…" she said.

"I have such great fortune, and no name of yours to thank."

"I'm Michelle Preston, and don't you worry your pretty little head cause I've got it all covered," she said, and he grinned.

The universe's strange sense of humor finally made sense.


End file.
